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Helen Harper for HHH Self Defence

Posted on • Originally published at hhhselfdefence.com

My MMA Story

A few years ago, I was in a relationship. It started off like any other. We went to restaurants, watched TV shows, chatted about the few things we had in common and gradually over a few weeks decided to be together.

Couples

As our relationship developed, he became more controlling.

Controlling men

It started with the clothes I wore, and the people I hung out with. However, it soon became more intense. He deleted my social media accounts through fear that I would cheat on him. He smashed my phone because my (married) next-door neighbour had text me, inviting me over for a BBQ. Honestly, I could deal with all that, as unpleasant as it was.

Not long after all this, he started forcing me in to sex. Its not your choice, he said. Its my right as your boyfriend. No one else will put up with you so if you try to leave me you will be alone forever.

alone

Its OK that youre fat because I dont mind having a fat girlfriend.

Its OK that youre ugly, Ill put up with it because you wont be able to get anyone else.

No matter how much time goes by, those sentences still echo around my head as though he was standing there telling me again and again.

Alone

Maybe he didnt realise how much he was hurting me? Maybe it was all my fault. I was a crap girlfriend, always emotional and upset. I dont think I brought much to a relationship. I couldnt even have sex with him sometimes because I was in too much pain from the last time. Surely thats the bare minimum requirement for a girlfriend.

I felt so stupid, just a waste of a life. Why was I even still here?

It got worse. He slept with another woman, contracted an STI and blamed it on me. He forced me to go to a clinic to find out what Id done. It was all my fault.

all my fault

Before this moment, I had never expressed how I felt about the relationship. I dont think I knew. As I sat in the waiting room, I saw posters around the room.

Does he call you pretty?

Pretty ugly

I thought YES! I recognise that.

Light bulb moment

By the time I arrived in the doctors office I was on the edge of a breakdown. I walked into the room and burst into tears. They asked me why I was there and I told them. The nurses were incredible, supportive and put me in contact with a therapist.

I was at breaking point. I didnt want to be alive any more, let alone trying to deal with the feelings I had.

The following weekend was my birthday. I didnt celebrate it, I was embarrassed to acknowledge it. My cousin emailed me (the only way to contact me by this point) wishing me a happy birthday. He asked how I was and I just let everything out. I told him how I didnt want to be alive, I just didnt know what to do any more.

He invited me to stay with him in Sheffield, but I told him that if I left my home I wasnt coming back. He said, No problem! I have a spare room. Come and stay with me for a bit. So I did.

Journey

The first thing I did when I got there was to find a gym as I had been recommended to learn Jiu-Jitsu by a concerned friend from work. Despite my lack of confidence, and willingness to be in the world, I was still stubborn and that part of me held me together.

I arrived at the gym, the first Martial Arts gym Id ever entered. Everyone seemed friendly and told me about their timetable. After they mentioned that the monthly fee covered every class I felt obligated to attend every class. This was my true introduction to Mixed Martial Arts as I started four arts at once! I began my martial arts journey, and I couldnt be more thankful that I did.

MMA Gym

I started to grow in confidence, it was a slow process and initially, I didnt feel like I should be allowed to feel this good about myself. However, slowly but surely, I grew and developed. I started to feel more positive about every aspect of my life.

growth

I got a job that I absolutely loved, in an office which is something I never thought I would have the confidence to do. I started to make friends. I started rebuilding my life, every ounce of confidence coming from the martial arts I was studying.

yay

After the way Martial Arts have helped me, I felt it only right that I would help others to heal, learn and progress in the same way.

Reach out to me if any of the above is familiar with you and you want to start taking those steps to get your personal power back

Helen x

Discussion (7)

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jacobmelleor1 profile image
Jacob

The toughest sport in the world is full of the most amazing people, thanks for sharing this.

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abbeyshepard761 profile image
Abbey Shepard

I love this Helen, so powerful and raw. Stories in MMA like this don't get shared enough

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hhhellraiser profile image
Helen Harper Author

Thank you so much Abbey!

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ajoan369joan profile image
Joan Adams

this is brilliant, what a refreshing read and so glad you came through it x

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hhhellraiser profile image
Helen Harper Author

Thank you Joan!! X

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lee profile image
lee

Yeah great article this Helen. We need more people to share the stuff they dont want to talk about. Maybe everyone has a rocky road to MMA.

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LizaFerreon

Not use to hearing MMA fighters share like this. More should do it.